Leah's Nightmare
by TheSpode
Summary: What nightmares plauge Leah when she closes her eyes? And what will the pack have to say when they see them first hand?


Disclaimer: These characters and their world belong to Stephenie Meyer. Any mistakes I have made interpreting them are, of course, my own.

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Leah's paws were dragging so slowly she could have been mistaken for a sloth rather than a wolf. She had worked a double shift at her new job, paper pusher and general gopher for the Forks Hospital ER. Already dragging as she hit the front door, Seth had kindly reminded her that she was on patrol duty up by the Cullen's place in half an hour. She had promptly chucked her purse at his head.

Leah actually didn't mind patrolling. Everything had been calm for months now, so there were only ever two wolves on patrol at any given time, one wolf from Sam's pack around the Rez and one wolf from Jacob's pack around the Cullen's house and the outside edge of Forks. With no one else in her mind while she ran, she had grown to find patrol cathartic and comforting. When Quil had phased about four hours ago and asked her to patrol a little longer while he ran an errand, she had lethargically agreed. Of course, she had mustered up the energy to harass Quil about his errand being an excuse not to miss Barney and Friends, but they both knew it was a half-hearted attempt. Embry had simply called her a harpy and phased back.

Now her paws felt like paperweights as her pace dropped to a near stop. Her eyes kept dropping closed against her will. She knew if she fell asleep during patrol she would be in deep trouble. She had already run through the creek's ice cold water twice in an effort to stay alert. Just fifteen more minutes, she kept reminding herself.

Just fifteen more minutes…………

She was sitting at a lunch table in the La Push High School cafeteria. Around her were seated her favorite group of girl friends. These were the girls she had grown up with, shared all her firsts with, who knew all her secrets. She grinned widely at them, waiting for their normal friendly banter to begin.

"Um…Leah, to what do we owe the pleasure of your company?" Sarah looked surprised as though this were the first time she noticed Leah at the table.

"Come on. I always sit with you guys. We've been friends forever, remember." Leah countered, smiling at what was obviously a joke.

"Friends?!" Kara spat, "We haven't been friends since you decided to ditch us months ago, and now you suddenly decide you want to be friends again."

"Wait, what?" Leah sputtered.

"Look, we tried to be there for you, you know, like REAL friends do. You, on the other hand, stopped returning our phone calls. You refused to go out with us. You wouldn't even talk with us in the hallways. You totally cut us out." Jess' words poured out angry and venomous.

"It was bad enough you stopped talking to us, but when you started hanging around Sam and his cronies, that was a low blow." Kara looked simultaneously angry and hurt. "You totally ignore us so you can spend all your time following around a guy who threw you out like trash. You're pathetic."

"Look, I can explain." Leah pleaded.

"Keep your explanations. We don't need them. You missed our birthdays, parties. We needed you and you weren't there. You can't make up for what you've done." Sarah spoke, disdain dripping off her tongue.

"I know, and I'm sorry. I just…It's been…. I'll make it up to you. I promise. Just give me a chance. I need you guys." Leah pleadingly looked around the table for some sense of comfort or of loyalty.

"Did you hear that girls? She NEEDS us. Forget it, Leah. That ship has sailed. We don't need to be friends with selfish, desperate jerks like you" Sarah crossed her arms with a sense of finality.

"You are a sad, miserable person. I can't believe we were ever friends."

Leah had heard enough. She ran from the cafeteria, knocking into tables and chairs in a frantic rush to get out the door. Their mocking laughter followed her halfway down the hallway towards the front doors of the school. Not looking, she ran headlong into the back of Principal Adler.

"Ms. Clearwater, what are you doing here?" the principal looked sternly at her.

"Um…I'm…"

"Ms. Clearwater, you are no longer a student here. I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"Wait, what? I haven't even graduated yet. I mean, I know I haven't been in class much this year, but I love school. I can make it up." Leah had always been a good student. It was one of the things that had come easily to her.

"Graduate? Ms. Clearwater, you must be joking. There is no way you are going to be able to graduate from this school."

"What? But I'm a senior here!"

"You WERE a senior here until you exceeded excusable absence limit by nearly three weeks. You were failing every single one of your classes, with no hope of raising your grades in time to graduate." Principal Adler spoke as if scolding a small child.

"But I could make it up? Get back on track? I was at the top of my class. I have a 4.2 GPA." School was one of the few things Leah was passionate about, and she excelled at it. She was sure she could make it work.

"I am aware of your previous standing, but you can't expect to skate by considering your recent behavior. You did not complete the necessary coursework. You failed out. Sad, really, how you threw away years of hard work just to run around with your friends."

"I failed out." Leah repeated, unbelieving. "No college."

Principal Adler nearly laughed, "No, no college. It's a waste really. You had a lot of potential. Now, I have to ask you to leave the school grounds so our students are not disrupted."

Not pausing to think, Leah ran the rest of the length of the hallway and slammed through the double doors. Her friends hated her. They couldn't stand to even sit at the same table as her. She had failed out of school, one of the few things she loved. All her plans for scholarships, college, and the future were gone.

She ran into the woods and phased quickly, hoping a run would clear her head. Surely, there was a way to make everything right again. Maybe one of the guys would have a clue what to do. Normally she didn't ask them for advice but maybe this once they would be able to help her. As soon as she phased she heard several minds, many more minds than normal. The whole pack must be phased, but no one recognized her presence. Her pack brother's thoughts were obviously agitated, and flowed together so she could barely distinguish who was thinking what.

_Dude, she is such a pain in the ass! Why does she always have to make things difficult for us? I can't even stand to be in the same room as her most of the time._

_I hate patrolling with her. All she does is make people miserable._

_She's a bitter waste of space._

_I wish she had never phased. I love being a wolf, but that freak of nature makes it hard to even enjoy a simple patrol._

_Plus, it's not like she's even a good wolf. Sure, she can run, but she can't fight like the rest of us._

_Who knows? Maybe Leah will use those legs to run off or better yet, disappear._

_Like anyone would miss her_

_Seth might._

Leah held her breath and her mind still so she wouldn't draw attention to her presence. She had recognized both Sam and Seth's minds and she waited to see what their response to the pack's universal hatred of her would be.

Seth did not respond, but they all followed his thoughts. He seemed to be weighing his love for his sister against how much he cared for his pack brothers. He seemed to be leaning towards how easy life could be if Leah were gone, how much less he needed a sister now that he had his brothers. _Eh, I don't know. It's not like she's much of a sister anymore. Plus, she isn't any better at home. She's nothing but painful drama everywhere she goes._

Seth's thoughts left her feeling hollow. Where she had been hurt by loathing her friends and her pack, the idea the Seth no longer wanted or needed her made her feel empty inside. Before she had time to even process these new revelations, Sam's thoughts intervened.

_Guys, look. I understand your need to get together and gripe about Leah. I know she is difficult to be around, especially when she's focused on our past. _A small part of Leah's mind waited for Sam to defend her. Her Sam would come to the rescue.

_It's not pleasant for anyone when she goes through the past and I wish more than anyone she would just get over it. Her feelings for me used to make me feel guilty, but I won't let her keep me from be happy with Emily. The more I'm around her, the more I hate her. She has to know that whatever I felt for her all those years ago was nothing compared to what I feel for Emily now. I know I broke her heart or whatever, but she just won't get over it. She's turned into a cruel shrew and sometimes I can't even remember why I was with her in the first place. She's lost all her beauty. She is nothing but a bitter memory now. I'm so thankful I have Emily and not Leah._

Instantly, other thoughts concurred with Sam. W_e all understand why you are with Emily and not Leah. Hell, who would ever want to be with Leah?_

_I would hate to be the guy that imprints on her._

_Please, no one is going to imprint on her. She's a freaky girl wolf. She can't continue on the wolf gene, so there's no shot of her finding an imprint. Nobody wants a menopausal 20 year old._

_Or Sam's sloppy seconds._

Sam interrupted their thoughts, _Enough. We deal with her because like it or not she is a part of this pack. She's useful so we keep her around. I don't want her around, but there isn't much we can do about it except just deal with her._

_NO!_ she shouted in her head. All of the boys of the pack stopped the conversation, stunned in realizing she had heard them. Yet, she sensed no one willing to take back the true things they had spoken, not even Seth or Sam.

Seth didn't need her and Sam didn't love her anymore. She urgently searched Sam's mind for anything positive at all he might be feeling about her, but there was nothing to find. The torturous realization was worse than when he had broken things off with her the first time. At least then she had sensed that he didn't want to hurt her. At the time, she truly though he regretted having to leave her. Since she had phased, she had always thought there was a part of him that still belonged to her and her alone. She had believed a tiny piece of his heart would always be hers because she was his first love.

Now, she had lost that piece. There was nothing for her in Sam's heart and it hurt worse than she could have imagined. His hate had taken away the one piece of solace she had left in her heartbreak. He dismissed what he had done to her and felt no remorse for her pain. He truly hated her with a passion and only kept her around because she was moderately useful.

Unable to stand anymore, she phased back and hastily pulled on her clothes. The moment she did, she found herself just inside her living room, staring at her mother curled up on the couch with Charlie Swan. Her heart became a little lighter. Her mom would make it better. Of course, she always knew how to make it hurt less. Before she could run into her mom's arms, her mother's words stopped her. "Oh, Leah! I'm glad you're home. I have great news for you." All Leah could feel was her the throbbing ache in her heart, but no matter how she was feeling, she still wanted her mom to be happy.

"Charlie and I are getting married! Aren't you excited?! Charlie is such an amazing man, and we love each other so much. I can't wait for us to be a family. "

"But…Mom, we are a family, already, without Charlie." Leah's brain could barely formulate sentences anymore.

"Yes, I know dear, but your father is gone now. I've moved on with a wonderful man. Aren't you happy for me?" Sue Clearwater looked at her daughter with nothing less than eager anticipation. Leah felt nothing but the growing anguish that was attempting to eat her from the inside out.

"Now, come on Leah. This is going to be truly great for all of us. You get a wonderful step-father and step-sister, not to mention Edward and Nessie. I'm so looking forward to being a grandmother. I know that you can't ever have children of your own, dear. I mean, you being a wolf and all seems to be assurance that you aren't going to be able to have a family of your own. I was always worried I wouldn't get to see my daughter have children of her own, but now I can have Bella. Isn't it exciting?" Sue seemed to be blissfully unaware of the effect her words were having on her daughter.

Leah couldn't even breathe; no less formulate any kind of response. Sue seemed to take in Leah's response as an indication of her disapproval of the engagement.

"Well, Leah, I expected more out of you. I'm happy and I can't believe you can't be happy for me. If this is how you are going to act, I don't know if I want you under this roof. I won't let you take my happiness away like you did your own. I expect you to be excited about this wedding or to not be a part of this family at all."

Leah stumbled towards the door, taking three strides into the open air. Immediately she found herself in front of her father's grave. Her knees buckled as uncontrollable sobs broke forth from her. Every part of her longed for some sort of comfort or relief but none would come.

She stared at her father's tombstone as every excruciating emotion rolled over her like tsunamis. "Daddy," she spoke in between gasping sobs, "Daddy, I'm so sorry. I've messed everything up. It's all my fault. They all hate me. Everyone hates me and it's all my fault. I flunked out of school. You would be so mad at me for that. I'm useless. Sam can't even look at me anymore. I've failed as a sister and a daughter. Mom's happy, but I can't be happy for her. I'm broken. I'm never gone to have a family. Everything is gone and it's because I failed. I'm all alone. All alone and it's all my fault."

"All I want is for you to be here. You would know what to do. You would know how to make this better, but you…you can't because I killed you. I killed you and now you're gone and everything is messed up and I can't fix it. I can't do this anymore. I can't…It's all…" Leah wanted nothing more in that moment than to crawl into the ground and join her father. The agony wouldn't go away, and she was helpless underneath it.

Instantly in her hand was a bottle of vodka. She downed the entire bottle in four gulps, but she felt no relief. Her wolf metabolism would barely allow for a buzz before taking away the alcohol completely.

She spotted a bottle of pills nearby and wrenched to top open. Not even bothering to see what they were, she took the entire bottle. Yet, her body's response was nothing helpful. Just as the alcohol was washed away, so were the pills.

She pulled out a pocket knife, jerking open the largest blade. Without a moment's hesitation, she pressed it to her arm hard and dragged it down from elbow to wrist. For a moment, there was a blessed release of physical pain that overrode all the overwhelming emotions. As quickly as it came, it was gone again. She stared down at the blood that remained on her arm when the cut had already healed.

_LEAH!_

There was no stopping the pain. It came over her unceasing and unrelenting.

_LEAH! Please!_

What do you want from me? I don't have anything left to give. Please just let me die.

_LEAH! You have to wake up! LEAH! Please._

Wake up. She tried to understand the words, the voice, but she couldn't think above the absolute misery she was feeling.

_LEAH! Leah, please, you're killing Seth. You have to WAKE UP!_

Before her mind had a chance to decipher what was going on, Leah's body shot up into a crouching attack position. Breathing hard, she tried to right the world that felt tipped on edge. Her head went from side to side to find the danger she instinctively knew was there. She stopped as she saw all four members of her pack staring at her. She realized Seth's muzzle was wet with tears and he seemed to be sharing her gasping breaths. With incredible slowness, the pieces fell into place in her mind.

She had fallen asleep during patrol. She had been dreaming. And through their pack mind, they had seen it all.

She waited a beat for the onslaught of mocking laughter and sarcastic commentary. Instead, what she heard was shocking silence. She couldn't pick up a single, clear thought in their mind. The silence was almost worse than anything they could have thought or said in response to seeing first hand the pain she knew everyday.

Embarrassment became to seep through her, and it almost caused her to phase back even though she had no clothes to put on. Anything would be better than their pity and their silence.

_Wait!_

_Please, Jake, don't make me listen to you deny the truth. Don't make me listen to your pity. I don't want it. I don't need it!_

Jake took a step towards her. _No, Leah, this isn't pity. I know you can feel the difference._ Leah read their emotions: pain, confusion, guilt, anger, but Jake was right, there was no pity there.

_Okay, so no pity, but what difference? It doesn't change the truth. I know what I do to this pack. I know what I've done._

_Lee, that dream was not the truth. It was so far from reality. Please tell me you know that. _Seth's thoughts seemed almost desperate for her to understand.

_Seth, I'm sorry you had to see that. I NEVER would have made you all share my pain on purpose. I'm going to phase back and go home. I'm sorry for falling asleep during patrol, Jake and I'll take whatever punishment you want to dish out. Let's just pretend this never happened._ Before anyone of them could stop her, she darted behind a patch of trees and phased back. Throwing on clothes haphazardly she started what would be a long walk home.

Before she got far, she found herself standing in front of four horse-sized wolves. She could not hear their thoughts, and though their eyes were expressive, she could not pin point the emotion. Slowly, the first wolf, Seth, sank down into a bow, his head and front legs on the forest floor. Leah stood motionless but confused. Then Seth covered his large head with his paw and began whimpering. The gesture was unmistakable. He was apologizing. Jake, Embry, and Quil followed Seth in giving Leah what words could not.

Leah was stunned. She had never heard an apology from any of the members of the pack, not out loud or even in their minds. She had never expected one, because she believed she alone was the blame for the state of her life, which made this gesture so confusing and difficult to understand. Tears came down her face as she began to comprehend the magnitude of what her pack was doing for her. They were expressing in the only way they could how much they cared for her. They may not have caused the pain, but they were sorry she felt the need to bear it alone. They were sorry for not seeing the pain, for not being there for her when she needed them most. They were apologizing for not seeing before now how deep that pain ran.

Leah walked slowly to Seth, reached down, and took the paw from his face. His sad eyes glimmered with tears. She reached up and stroked the fur down the side of his face. "Thank you." She whispered as she kissed his muzzle. "Thank you." She repeated as she turned to look in the faces of her brothers.

The quiet moment did not last long. Seth took advantage of her closeness and licked her face from chin to forehead. Barking laughter filled the forest as Leah smiled a wide, clear smile for the first time in a long time.


End file.
